A Blog Worth Keeping

Written December 3, 2013, when I was 9 weeks 2 days pregnant.

I am now 11 weeks pregnant!

Dear Reader,

I have tried to keep a blog for many years, and it’s never worked out for me. I guess I never had anything of true important to say before… but now, now I have a reason to blog! I am happy, overjoyed and humbled to announce, I’m pregnant! And I couldn’t be more excited.

I want this blog to be a place where I can track my thoughts and experiences throughout my pregnancy, and if you want to join along and read, you are more than welcome to! I don’t expect many people will and I am totally ok with that. This is for me and for the lovely people who want to know all the details about the next 6 months. Don’t worry! I am journaling as well, but the journal is more directed to the baby and leaves out some of the day-to-day details that I want to remember in the years to come.

As I write, I am 9 weeks and 2 days pregnant, although by the time you read this, I will be over11 weeks (I don’t plan on this blog going public until that time… more on that topic later!) And even with the morning sickness, sore breasts, excess saliva (total nastiness right there), frequent (and I mean FREQUENT) urination and absolute fatigue (is it bed time yet?) it’s an absolute blessing. A sign that a little baby is taking form inside of me; a sign that God is using me as vessel to bring life into the world.

I have to admit, I didn’t believe I was pregnant when I found out over 7 weeks ago – not even when the faint second line appeared on the home pregnancy test. Justin and I were staying in Toronto at my Nonna’s for the night as we had to work in the city the following day. Although it was a little early (about three days before my expected period), we thought we’d try taking the test anyway… just to see what would happen. I can honestly say after one short month of trying (not even a month at that time!) I really wasn’t expecting to be pregnant. That’s probably why I denied it at first… but there it was, in all its glory, a second line on the pregnancy test. As I mentioned, the line was faint, which instantly made me think “FLASE positive!” Even though a false positive is VERY rare… and I mean like super-dooper rare (if at all possible?) Anyway, because I didn’t believe it, we marched out of the house at 9:30 p.m. to get a second (and third) test to confirm. Because morning pee is the best (especially when you are as early as I was), I decided to wait until the following day to take the next test, and after a straight up restless and near sleepless night, I got up super early (maybe 4 a.m.?), took the test, and sure enough, there it was. Another line, and not as faint.

At this point, most women would be flat out ecstatic, but I was still put off… I guess I didn’t feel deserving of such a blessing. Psalm 8:4 kept running through my head: “What is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them?” I kept thinking “Why me, Lord? So many beautiful and godly women try for years to conceive and don’t. Why me?” I say these things with all humbleness in my heart and tears in my eyes.

You see, my past hasn’t always been something I’m proud of, as many of you can probably attest to. And even though I have genuinely repented of the not-so-nice details of my past (I carry no guilt anymore), I still sometime struggle with accepting blessing from the Lord. It’s taken me weeks to come to terms with this fact, but for some reason God wants me to be pregnant and I am slowly learning to relish in His love rather than revert to my past. Am I scared? Of course! Terrified! Any pregnant mama will tell you she has her fears, probably the number on fear being a miscarriage. It can get pretty overwhelming at times, but I am beyond blessed to have an amazing husband who reminds me in the midst of it all that God is sovereign and no amount of worrying will change that. He has my baby’s little life in His mighty hands, and whether death or life becomes it, this fact remains: God is good, I am blessed, and my little baby was loved from conception. Wow… intense stuff, right? Intense, but ultimately freeing.

So there you have it. I am pregnant, and my sweet little baby is due on July 7th, 2014.

A question may be entering into your mind: why did you wait so long to tell every if you believe God is sovereign? Why hide it? Great questions! And truth is, I regret waiting to tell you. Right when I found out, I wanted to shout it from the roof tops… but I was too scared. As you may know, most women wait until the dreaded 11 or 12 week mark has passed before giving the good news out freely because the risk of miscarriage gets lower as the first trimester ends. But what many women forget is that miscarriage can happen at ANY time of pregnancy, sadly. We are never “out of the woods”. Heck, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow (God forbid!), but my point is NO ONES life (born or unborn) is guaranteed.

There is also the issue of church community. The writer of Our Nest in the City, an amazing blog that you should check out, puts it best, she says:

“If we claim to put a high value on community, family, friendship, and fellowship, we felt we needed to live that out - and early pregnancy seemed like an ideal time. Sharing joys and griefs alike is one of the purest ways to do that. I share about my pregnancies early because I can't contain my joy and can't hide it from those around me who I love. And if God should decide to carry us through the trial of a miscarriage, the same would be true of our grief. Hiding grief and mourning in secret doesn't mesh well with our beliefs of the Christian life, particularly our views on community, and so, we share.”

Beautifully put. The point is friends, the Bible calls Christians to weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice (Romans 12:15), but how can your church community surround you in the good times and in the bad if they don’t know what’s going on? Also, how can God get the glory (whether through miscarriage or healthy baby) if we don’t share? How can our trials and burdens be testimonials of God’s goodness and love if we keep them hidden? The fact remains, they can’t. And if that’s the case, then would they not be in vain? Job 2:10 says: “Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" The answer to that is of course, no. God hands us all sorts of trouble in life and through it all He is good, He is on His throne, and He will see us through. He is more than enough.

DISCALIMER: Before we start a full on debate here, please not that the above logic is meant for a Christian audience. I can’t speak to those who do not walk in my faith and know my Jesus. Their decisions will be different than mine.

All in all, I encourage women to look at the state of their heart when deciding when to tell family and friends about your pregnancy. If you are making the decision based out of fear as I was in the beginning, please pray on it and rethink it. If you are making the decision based on timing (i.e. when will my family be together next? when will I have an ultrasound picture to show everyone? So on and so forth…fun things like that) then perhaps waiting IS the right thing to do.

In the end, Justin and I waited to tell our family (with the exception of a few individuals) until the 11 week mark because that was the next time everyone was able to get together in one room and it was SUPER important to us that we tell everyone in person. However, I can tell you right now that you will be hearing about baby #2 (should God choose to bless us with another) WAY sooner. And I hope that you will be there for me what ever the outcome may be – loss or gain.

God is author of life, and I praise him every day for this little sweet baby growing inside of me. Thank you for sharing in my joy.

Grace and peace,
Alannah