Besides the obvious physical boundaries that having a baby in bed with you creates, there are other spiritual and emotional issues that arise as well.
Ever since Justin and I got married, our bedroom has been a place for us to just be together, rest up and hang out, and when baby comes, I want it to remain that way. Mom and Dad need a place for just us two to be together, pray, be intimate, talk and relax. Just because a baby comes into the picture DOES NOT give married couples to right to disengage from each other. In fact, in this time more than ever, they need to grow stronger as a couple and connect daily. How can you do that if baby is attached to you day AND night? Truth is, you can’t, and some healthy separation from baby is needed for couples have time to invest in each other.
I’ll be off on MAT leave for one year with Baby Oliver and in my head, I see our nights going something like this (obviously this will be once baby is in a routine, but it’s what we are going to work towards):
1) Dad gets home from work
2) Dad, Mom and Baby chill out, eat dinner, est.
3) Baby falls asleep and is put in crib
4) Mom and Dad have time to hang out, reconnect, pray and just talk about the day
5) Mom and Dad go to bed together, alone – baby wakes up and Mom tends to baby in baby’s room so Dad can rest for work
I understand that this will take some commitment on my end (i.e. I’ll have to get up to feed the baby every night instead of just pulling him\her into bed with me), but I am OK with that. I want our bedroom to be a place for Justin and I to be alone and this means establishing boundaries with our children from the very beginning. Pastor Mark Driscoll and his wife Grace have this very same rule in their home and Mark talks very seriously about its importance. And when I look at a marriage like theirs, I’d be a fool not to heed his wisdom.
Now, I am not heartless. If my sweet Baby Oliver gets a bad dream in the middle of the night and needs to spend a few minutes lying with us, then that’s perfectly fine. But the actual act of sleeping side-by-side all night long is for Mom and Dad only. I believe this also sends a message to babies and kids. It says: “Mom and Dad are one. They are untied. They do life together, sleep together, eat together, laugh together, talk together, and they are one flesh.”
Now, if you choose to co-sleep, I won't judge that decision because as I've mentioned previously, I don't judge others on decisions that are not of eternal value (i.e. your salvation doesn't depend on whether or not you co-sleep!) But I would like to encourage parents to understand that, even once a baby is born into a family, your spouse remains your top priority, second only to God. This means that couples need to be committed to some time spent together without baby.
Recent Addition: *My mentor, an amazing woman of God, shared with me last night at our meeting that many Christian counsellors agree that married couples should spend 12-15 hours of uninterrupted time together PER week, talking and reconnecting - no TV, no kids, no distractions. To pull this off with a new baby, or kids of any age for that matter, Moms and Dads are going to have to commit to 1 hour per night of just grown up time, and perhaps several hours on the weekend when it can just be them. Personally, I find this to be SO important in sustaining the bond within a marriage. I know couples that wait months before they have any time apart from baby at all, and I must say, this does not line up with the priorities set before Christian women in scripture, which are: God FIRST, Husband SECOND, Children THIRD. I know it'll be hard to leave baby at Nana's for the first time while Justin and I go out on a date alone, but it's an investment in our marriage and in the end, it's really going to benefit our family as a whole.
Recent Addition: *My mentor, an amazing woman of God, shared with me last night at our meeting that many Christian counsellors agree that married couples should spend 12-15 hours of uninterrupted time together PER week, talking and reconnecting - no TV, no kids, no distractions. To pull this off with a new baby, or kids of any age for that matter, Moms and Dads are going to have to commit to 1 hour per night of just grown up time, and perhaps several hours on the weekend when it can just be them. Personally, I find this to be SO important in sustaining the bond within a marriage. I know couples that wait months before they have any time apart from baby at all, and I must say, this does not line up with the priorities set before Christian women in scripture, which are: God FIRST, Husband SECOND, Children THIRD. I know it'll be hard to leave baby at Nana's for the first time while Justin and I go out on a date alone, but it's an investment in our marriage and in the end, it's really going to benefit our family as a whole.
Grace and Peace,
Alannah
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