A Change of Heart

For me, having a baby wasn’t something that was on my urgent list of ‘to dos’. I thought that eventually we’d have a kid, (maybe two) but I wasn’t in a rush. We got married so young (he was 19, I was 20) and I am only 24… we still have lots of time! So when Justin asked me last August (shortly after we purchased our first home) when we were actually going to get serious about this kid thing, I was a little annoyed.

“Kids,” I said, “who has time for kids!? We both work like crazy… there is no time to stop and have kids!” Being the loving and patient man that Justin is, he left the subject for a few weeks to pray about it more. When September rolled around, he brought up the subject again, but this time, with far more conviction. The conversation went something like this:

Justin: “Alannah, I have been praying about it a lot. I really think that God wants us to put our trust in Him and try for a child. I know it seems overwhelming, but as the leader of our home, I think that’s what He wants…. Not to mention we both have great jobs and a new home. I think it’s time!”

Me: “Are you kidding?! You can’t just spring this on me. What about what I think? God hasn’t said anything to me about this issue…”

And just as I was about to go on rambling about all the reasons NOT to have a child, I took a second to be silent and quickly say a prayer. And in that moment I heard, beyond a shadow of a doubt, His voice, a still small voice saying: “trust in me”. You may think I’m crazy, but I truly believe this voice to be the voice of God telling me to trust Him and move forward with what my husband was proposing.

In that very moment, it was like the floodgates were opened and my mind totally changed on the subject. In an instant and I had a deep and urgent desire to not only submit to my husband, but to submit to the next calling God had on my life… to be a mother. I have never had an experience like that. Usually I am a planner. I make lists like nobody’s business and get all the facts before making a decision. I never just jump in to something without serious thought and consideration… but here I was, Mrs. Always-Plays-It-Safe taking a big leap of faith into the arms of my Father, trusting that He’d bring us a new life when the time was right.

Ezekiel 36:26 says: “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” To me, this verse really depicts what God did to me in that moment. My heart of stone was set on waiting until I was ready for a baby. Until I had done all I wanted to do before the inconvenience of child came into the mix. I gave no thought to Justin’s feeling and I am ashamed to say that I hardly sought God on the issue… I think I was afraid to. But through it all, God got a hold of my head and heart and aligned them with His calling and His Word. I am so grateful He did.

I love how God uses people and situations in our lives to grow us in our faith. It’s pretty cool. I have a whole new view on my life and my calling and it’s really exciting how God has been working in my heart. Another thing I love is how God’s timing is different for everyone. It took 4 years for God to direct us to have children, but for some couple’s it takes less time, and as long as the couple can provide financially for the child (without relying on the government\family) then who is anyone to say what God’s plan is for their life?

Anyway, thought I’d share that with you. God is good – all the time!

Grace and peace,
Alannah